I often find myself wondering what the future might hold for our little family. It’s so difficult not to get sucked into all of the worry and stresses of being a single parent. Do we really stand a chance of finding true happiness? Sometimes I despise my ex for putting me through all the pain, but then I realize that as much as he hurt me, I’m going to come out stronger because of it…not because of it, but in spite of it. Making me stand up and fight for Connor and my life literally saved us. If I hadn’t left when I did who knows where we’d be or if we would even be alive at all.
I’m glad to say that I’ve finally decided to find my voice and subject myself to the judgment of others. I have a story to tell, it may not be a fairytale, but someday soon I hope that it will have a happy ending.
Here’s my story…
7 years ago, I met the man I knew I’d marry. We dated for nearly 2 ½ years, got married and a year later found out we were going to start a family. What I didn’t know is that it would all go downhill after that. Soon after finding out I was pregnant he began physically and emotionally abusing me. Week after week, I kept telling myself that it would get better. It didn’t. I remember sitting in the bathroom of my O.B.’s office looking at a poster on the wall of newborn being held by the mother, the caption read, “Domestic violence only gets worse after the baby arrives.” I cried at the thought of the abuse getting any worse, but failed to believe that he would hurt the baby. Sure, he pushed me to the floor and kicked me, pulled my hair, held knives to my throat and threatened to shoot my brains out, but hurt our child…no way.
I went through my pregnancy feeling alone, wondering how to tell someone I needed help…would they believe me? Would they judge me? I stuck through it. I tried to wait it out and managed until our beautiful little boy was 8 months old and then I couldn’t take it anymore - the names, the yelling, the physical harm all in front of our son. I refuse to let him grow up thinking that it’s ok to treat anyone that way, especially the ones we love.
I made a call to my parents one morning and began formulating a plan to safely leave. I left with our son while he was at work and the next morning the battle began. He demanded to know why I left (was that really a question?!) and when we were coming home. I bit back tears as he threatened to take our son, knowing full well that since I hadn’t filed for custody yet that he had the right to do so. It’s incredibly scary knowing that you left so that you can protect your son, when in reality you can’t do much of anything but sit back and pray that everything will calm down.
We’ve been separated for 1 ½ years and are still battling over custody issues. He still thinks that he deserves an award for daddy of the year and that one day we will get back together - this, after he has taken me to court over visitation…in a county where abusers can have custody of their children. I fear what the future might hold, but pray that I have the strength to keep on fighting for our 2 year old who can’t speak for himself. Our court date is coming up on March 1st.
